Growing Up, my little "beatnik" poem

Damn Slut, what are you worth?
Am I cool now, now that I have said those words?
Have I finally grown into the highscooler you knew I could be?
Have these words let me flow and become one of you?
Have I grown up a set my childhood aside?
Yes and No.
These hateful, defiling, selfish words that fall from my lips do not make me grown.
They set me back and bind me in chains.
Because growing up is not saying these words.
Growing up is when you leave yourself behind. When you move away from everything you have known and felt and believed.
Growing up is seeing things you never thought possible before and regretting you didn’t see them sooner.
Growing up is when you are left no options and growth is your only choice.
Growing up is taking the experiences the cruel world throws on top of you, and making them something resembling a life.
Growing up is when you can see your friend on her knees. Crying “Please God Please. Don’t let him leave me!”
Growing up is when you see the scars. When you feel the pain behind each slice, each razor each wire.
Growing up is when you let her have him, for happiness. When you put yourself aside and just let things ride.
Growing up is when you go home and try not cry. When you will the tears not to spill and the hand not to wander to the scissors. When you live not to disappoint. When you live to save others not yourself.
Growing up is opening your ears to the cries that ring out year by year. When you recognize the pain in a mother’s eyes as she struggles to provide for her children, who go around school acting like their high and mighty while little brothers and sisters wait to be fed and they struggle to conceal what is really within their minds.
Growing up is when you look around you and swallow your tongue. Because you realize that sometimes the only escape is the act they put on for the crowd. When you realize that the words will destroy the image that sticks in their minds for a little while, the image of a happiness that does not exist.
Growing up is when you see the decision before you, and you think. When you consider the consequences before you act and you desperately try to find a way to stop the wrongs before they occur and blow up yet more lives.
Growing up is not learning the words that every high-schooler is supposed to say.Growing up is not rolling your eyes at every opportunity that arises. Growing up is knowing what is going on, and putting yourself aside.Or at least it has been for me.

UGH

ugh. ugh ugh ugh. UGH UGH UGH UGHUGHUGHGUGHUGH UGH!!!! What has gone wrong with this world?
Why was everything so seemingly perfect, and then...BAM.

So, laying it all on the table, something I have been having trouble with lately. I am worried.
Scary worried.
I have no idea what to do.
My friends are hurting or I can see the hurt coming.
What can I do?
What can I do?
I want to help them so much, but I have no idea where to start.

Cutting. I hate that word. It has affected so many of my friends, and not in a good way. No, that would be lying. It hasnt affected them, it has been their means of escape.

I hate to see them hurting and not know how to help.
I think I will be a psychiatrist. Being able to help other people. That is where I belong.

But, how can I help them when I am so messed up myself?

That is the way it goes.

Writing has always been my safe haven. The thing that grounds me, drives, and secures me to and on this earth. What can I say? My talent is average at best. I try, I fail. The momentum and the addiction are up, I can not stop. I will never stop. But, average at best is unsettling when you love something so much.
.....

High School is so fake. These girls, I see them prick and pry at each other. Looking for blood and many times finding it. Meaningless, all of it. They strike, We strike. Cycles and Cycles of hurt, anger, blood lust.

Gone with the Wind

Dead Silence
Rings in your ears
Telling stories
Of the way things have changed
Where is the energy
Of the days past
That held us together
One body
Different souls
Blown away in the wind
Something so solid
Gone